Sometimes you just can not articulate how you are feeling. You have a fiery ball of emotions swirling around in your chest; your brain feels like a white noise television channel; you can't cry or laugh or scream or speak coherently. Sometimes all that you can say is "
mumblemumble".
That is how I've been feeling for the last two weeks... ever since she left.
Two weeks ago, my mom's nurse called to let me know that she didn't have long and I should come immediately. I packed a bag with enough clothes for a week. Scratch that. I packed what my hectic and chaotic mind perceived to be enough clothes for a week.
two pairs of pants, no pajamas, no underwear, 3 cardigans, no shirts to go under those cardigans, makeup, straightening iron, curling iron, brush, hooded sweatshirt, and FIVE pairs of shoes (sparkly flats and four pairs of heels one of which was a boot). Good to know Panic Erin has her priorities in order!
I drove the two hours on cruise control so as not to get pulled over. The moon was just past full, enormous and bright red. "She'd be taking pictures of that", I thought. I arrived an hour before my brother. I sat in bed with her while she drifted in and out of awareness. She was coherent enough to shake her head yes and no and mumble "Iloveyou". The next day I had to go to the store to buy all of the things I had left at home. After coming and going throughout the day I settled in for the night and my brother left. I sat in her room with her in a folding chair next to her bed. I played the "Into the Wild" soundtrack on repeat for 6 hours and sprayed lavender spray every so often because she loved those things. I said some things to her I don't remember... and one thing I do.
I picked up a book from her night table and started to read "Are You My Guru?". At around 2:15am I had an inexplicable urge to eat M&M's which I normally dislike. I found a pack of the peanut variety in her food stash and went into the hall to eat them because I felt like I should. I ate all of the oranges and reds and was halfway through the yellows when I felt like I should go back into the room. One minute later, as I held her hand, she exhaled.
That was it. I waited for another breath but nothing came. For one tiny fraction of a second I thought "That's it?!". I remembered hearing stories of someone passing away and the people around them felt a warmth or a tingle or were overcome by peace. Hmmm...
I got a minute alone before the nurse came in to see how she was doing. She took her vitals and then, to my chagrin, hugged me. Now, I am not a cry on your shoulder kind of girl. I like to save that stuff for private time or trusted friends. When I'm on the verge of crying I can only hold it together as long as no one touches me or says nice things to me. I did not want to cry in front of all of these strangers but you know every single one of them wanted to hug me. I excused myself, went outside, made some phone calls, and started to take care of business. I finally got out of there just before 5am.
I decided that I had to get everything done that day and in lieu of sleep, drank coffee. My brother and I planned the entire funeral, wake, flowers, burial, and banking that day. I finally got to sleep at 2am.
Five days later we had her funeral followed by a wake at an Irish pub. It was nice. She would have liked it.
My mom was a really special lady. She was optimistic and positive and always had a sunny disposition. She had a joy for life and adventure. She had a wonderful sense of humor. Her laugh is something I'll really miss.
Now i'm back to my day to day with a slight variation. Every day (among other things) I eat breakfast, I go to work, I talk on the phone, I watch tv, I play with my dog, and I miss her.
